What is Effectiveness?

Effectiveness is focusing on what works, rather than what is right or wrong, fair or unfair. It is being mindful of your goals in any situation and doing what is necessary to achieve them. For example, a person may be struggling to be heard, and feels like they have to shout or be aggressive to get their point across. This may work and you may get your needs met - however, at what cost? Is this effective? If your long term goal is to maintain the relationship, then perhaps not. You may be driving and somebody obstructs you, it may be your right of way and you want to scream. How would this work out for you in the end? Is it more effective to stay mindful, skilful, and focus on not risking an accident? It doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat - there are effective ways of getting your needs met without resorting to aggression.

How do you practice effectiveness?

Effectiveness is the opposite of "cutting off your nose to spite your face." This is obviously easier said than done. Notice when you are about to get angry or hostile. Notice the sensations in your body; tightening jaw, increased heart rate, tension in the arms or chest. Notice any urges to say or do things in the heat of the moment. Ask yourself “am I focusing on what is right”? Being right in a situation is not always being effective.

The mindful approach

Stepping back for 5 minutes in any given situation. Taking a breath, focusing on your senses, noticing any urges to act and letting them go, and finally asking yourself “does this allow me to get closer to my goals? Is this effective?”. Put in some perspective. How will I feel about this tomorrow or next week? Effectiveness does not mean that you should always give in. It means that you should act mindfully and weigh up whether reacting is worth your time and effort. Do what is needed for the situation you are in - not the situation you wish you were in.

References: Linehan, M., n.d. DBT skills training handouts and worksheets. 2nd ed. p.60.